I Can Do Hard Things

I come back to this little mantra all the time.  It's not like my life is such a hard one, but like everyone else in the world, I have difficult moments.  When debating whether or not to include this post in my Brooks Family Highlights, I decided that I don't really want to forget.  And maybe my difficult moment can help others who have experienced something similar.

I waited about a week before I texted Brandon (in England at the time) and my mom this photo.  I wanted to let everything sink in first.  I was SO EXCITED!  After the miscarriage back in April, I had a really hard time feeling excited for friends who were pregnant.  Sure I was happy for them, and I even loved being able to hold and cuddle their little babies, but everything was so bittersweet.  Right after it happened, I remember one friend asking another friend when her baby was due.  Since I had been looking away at that moment, I didn't realize who she was talking to, and I almost piped up that I was due in December.  Talk about knocking the wind out of me when I realized that wasn't going to be.  After that, I held back during baby talks.  When I finally found out back in October that we were going to have a baby, I was scared and excited and relieved.  I didn't want December to roll around and not be pregnant.

I waited almost a month to tell everyone our news.  I was past the time when I had miscarried before, and I was experiencing morning sickness and exhaustion and was going from zero to starving all the time, just like I did with my kids.  I had one time where I started feeling a little off, but I got a blessing that reassured me that I would have the baby and to hold on to that knowledge with faith when I started having doubts.

On December 13th, I was having some problems.  I was also just called as Relief Society President the Sunday before and had an activity I was in charge of that night.  My wonderful parents came over that night to watch the kids (Brandon was in England again) and to help me set up at the activity.  My dad also gave me a blessing that was very similar to the first.  I was to know that whatever happened was according to Heavenly Father's plan for me, but that my dad felt inspired to let me know I'd be able to have the baby.  The next morning I texted my mom at 6:45 AM that things were not okay; she was at my house by 7:30.  A few hours later I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound.  My little baby didn't have a heartbeat.  That was one of the most devastating moments in my life.  And then I found out that despite all of the morning sickness, the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks, but my body still thought I was pregnant, so I'd had to have a D&C. 

That was not a good day for anyone.  December 14th was also the day when there was the elementary school shooting in Connecticut where so many children nearly the same age as Nicholas lost their lives.  It was a heartbreaking day on so many levels for me. Poor Brandon was on a plane home from London at this time, and then his plane got delayed in Chicago.  By the time he got home that night, it was almost midnight, and he'd had to spend the day not really knowing what was going on, but fearing the worst.  I was grateful I had my mom that day, that I had my three little kids to hold, and I was so grateful the moment Brandon walked in the door and could finally give me a hug. 


I also was completely amazed at the amount of love that was expressed for me.  We had announced our pregnancy on facebook, so we had to announce the miscarriage, too.  I hadn't expected all of the messages, emails, phone calls, texts, and meals/treats that came our way, but each one was very much appreciated.  I know I'm not the only one to have ever had multiple miscarriages, but one is too many for anyone to experience.  I used to not understand why women didn't announce their pregnancies sooner because I thought that even if a woman had a miscarriage, she'd want the support of her friends.  That is true to some extent, but a miscarriage is such a personal thing for each woman.  For me, I loved reading the messages, but rehashing everything that had happened would have been too much for me.  I didn't want (and still don't) want to pretend that I had never been pregnant, but I wanted to be able to start moving forward immediately and not dwell on the loss.  I was grateful for those who asked how I was doing, but didn't press for information.

Now, I'm doing fine.  I will admit that it's hard when I hear of women complaining about their pregnancy ailments, but that's mostly because I realize now that that's what I've done before.  And I know now it must have been so hard to listen to for someone who had lost a baby or couldn't even have one.  I would seriously be willing to have the worst pregnancy ever right now if it meant that I could hold my little baby.  But, I know that those two blessings I received were from my Heavenly Father, and that the promise that I would have another one still holds.  I still strongly feel that there is a very anxious little spirit waiting and wanting to come to our family, but this body was not the right one for her (in my mind it was a girl...we had even picked out a name for her).  I'm just going to continue to count my blessings, and right now (and forever) those blessings are called Nicholas, Renae, and Seth.